En resumen, estoy feliz

Good evening!!
I dyed my hair today! it's not like someone would matter but I'm blond again so I'm really happy!
I'm thinking about cutting it like Miku again, well, Miku's wig to be more accurate

Look this beautiful little bastard

Well, idk, my insecurities strike back when I think about my look, like, I'd love this look but what if it looks like shit on me :( 

oh man, I'm so happy when I search the Miku tag and listen to Ancafe's music again. I'm listening the anti-aging versions of their old songs and gosh, they are amazing! make me feel refreshed with a tone of nostalgia.

My parents leave tomorrow so I will be home alone, yay! the problem is that I would like to watch my eating but when they go, I like to spoil me with food hahha no will power at all ;o; even now that I want to eat sushi and ice cream tempura GEEZ! 

The Akusora that got reported yesterday is back, thanks god it's fixed now. I feel really stupid when something like this happens hahaha and I got some really nice and amazing comments on Y-Gallery! Waaa I want to hug and kiss everyone!  

Drawing Akusora and Soriku :D

When I say that I want to be really dedicated to my blog, is the moment I have nothing to write :( kind of ironic..
Well, Today I have been drawing and coloring the whole day, kinda great, but I was really close to be grounded for being in the computer the whole day. "What are you doing?"-my father asked. "I'm practicing with the tablet", I said, and of course I was drawing porn haha

I did 2 Kingdom Hearts fanarts, I would love to be able to draw beautiful Sora x everyone porn xD just as great as Ssize/Sam. Her doujinshi are the best and I wish I could have them all, but I was checking ebay and other pages yesterday searching for them...and god...one of them cost $99.99 while every other doujinshi by other artist cost $9.99 ....like WHAT?! _(>:'O>L)_ there goes my hopes and dreams....

 

This are the fanarts I did today, sadly the first one got reported on y-gallery! I guess it's because I didn't tagged it in the shota filter, I have always had this problem, and it sucks, because I don't think it's adult imagery to be filtered....but who knows...

My father is awake right now trying to eat something, so, I better leave now...Good night!! 

Akusora is my drug

Talking about my current and never ending obsession, here is some Akusora I found on tumblr lately!

(this can be Riku or Axel anyway haha)


I know Akusora is popular but not as much as Soriku and Akuroku which I'm not into that much...I love Ssize/Samwise art and everything she does is so cute and funny. I don't know if I'm the only one who takes as canon the things that happen in her doujinshi? hahaha I love her Soriku stuff but I love even more when she makes Akusora.
Ok, I sound a little retard talking in Shipping names....but everytime I find something with Axel and Sora in the same picture makes me go stupid and happy haha

Wish I could draw nice Kingdom heart fanart like her, sadly I get frustrated everytime I draw Sora because his outfit...is so damn hard to draw with all the chains and details (>o<) feels you Nomura.....

Well, I was feeling down today when I woke up but now I feel refresh and motivated to do stuff! :)

Digimon Tamers es mucho mejor de lo que yo esperaba

I'm pretty sure I mentioned this when I started this blog, but I really miss how dedicated I was at Livejournal with my entries and updating and share stuff, although I didn't have any follower. Of course it's not that a I want followers here or anything like that, but sometimes I decided to not to write here because it's like talking to myself and better keep this thoughts to myself alone. And that's not funny at all.

So, I better start updating more again and enjoy it just like I used to enjoy writing entries back then. -before the heart broken and emo phase of course-

anyway, there's something I want to write about long time ago haha

Last month I re-watched Digimon Tamers. I have always been a fan of Digimon since I first watched it in English on Foxkid. I was 10-11 years old and didn't know a shit in English but for some reason I loved the show and never missed it (because I didn't understand English I didn't realized how stupid the English dub was) And I remember when Digimon Adventure was announced on Fox Kid Latinoamérica I literally cried because I was really happy that I was watching my favorite anime on Spanish. (I specially loved that the Spanish dub dubbed the original songs -Butter~Fly and My Will, and kept Brave Heart as Evolution song).
I don't know, but Digimon Adventure doesn't have a complicated plot and is really light somehow for my taste of course, but I love it so much! It really touched me then and I remember that I even tried to draw in the "Digimon Style", my sisters hated that and always bullied me because of that. I also remember being at school thinking how great would it be if I were a chosen child and being like Taichi. I wanted to be Taichi (=3=)9! Even more after episode 28 when he returned to the real world to realized how things works on the Digital world. And now I know this episode was directed by Mamoru Hosoda, one of my favorite directors make me love it even more!

Anyway, I decided to watch Digimon Tamers because when I first watched it on Jetix, I didn't like it that much, I even dropped it in the middle of the second arc. I hated that they show a totally different concept of the Digital world with their creators and all.....I felt they took the magic and fantasy from the Digimon and everything about them. But more than that, I really HATED the Spanish dub....Takato sounded like Bob Squarepants or whatever he is called and they added mexican jokes to the show. Just like they do in the English dub and that killed the show to me.

But now that I watched it in Japanese, I found out how LOVELY TAKATO IS! his voice is surely one of the most sweet and nice I have ever heard. And of course the show without all the idiotic jokes about "arroz y popotes" is pretty complicated. I could see how real and deep the plot is and I cried like a baby a lot of time during the 51 episodes this season has. Ruki is not the frigid bitch I thought she was and Jenrya is not the boring and plain character I saw when I first watched it.

This season has really beautiful music and great movies. -not as awesome as Digimon adventure movie though- I'm really in love with Makoto Tsumura's voice and Masako Nozawa as Guilmon is pure WIN. I never thought I would enjoy this season as much as I did, I even drew fanart as crazy and when I feel the urge to draw fanart after watching something is because it really, really hit in the deepest of my soul. I love Digimon Tamers now and I'm really sad that the american dubbers ruined it completely.

Yeah, If I had written this some weeks before, I would have made a better review and talked about every little detail I found during my obsessive mood around Digimon. (/3\) I know ....

Ephemeral

Guess who's been drawing to avoid reality.
As my alter bunny says, I feel miserable right now. I don't know if it's because I have been listening to Supercell -their songs make me super sad- or bc I can't help to think that I can't do anything right.
I don't know what to do with my life, I got projects and tomorrow I will have a meeting with friends to work on a freelance, it's not like I don't have things to do even though I don't have a job.

Today I got really nice messages on Deviantart, and I should feel happy. My parents are not in town and I have been able to rest and draw all day. I don't have anything to complain about But I can't help to feel sad...
I just want to cry and disappear but tears don't come out.
I have felt like this the whole last weeks, but today I made my hair, maybe looking a little decent would make me feel better. It did but....it's not enough...

What's worse, I don't have anyone to talk about this. That's why I started drawing today. Used the damn tablet and finally do something. The Sora over there is looking pretty decent to me -I guess- I have been using trivial stuff to makes me smile, like Ancafe's new PV, listening to vocaloid again, checking my deviantart (I had months since last time I got in there) being on tumblr and laugh at stupid anime jokes. And all that is so ephemeral...I don't talk to friends because I don't have anything to talk about than this shitty feeling. I don't want to bother anyway.

I really don't want to go out tomorrow. I want to sleep the whole day and don't think about anything at all.

I'm not dead! :D

Aaaaaaaaah!!!! Long time since my last entry!!!! ToT
There's nothing to tell to be honest. Maybe the only thing that's on my mind is that I'm really thinking about coming out as a male trans. It's not something I just decided lately. It's something I have feel since I'm really young, but never had the guts to admit.
It's really hard to deal with this situation when all the ppl around you think it's only a whim, that I just gave up because I cannot find a nice bra.......DIE! but everytime I try to explain it, I can't do it and don't feel stupid by their opinion. You really have not idea what it's like to live feeling that you were born in the wrong body and have to resign to be called and treated as someone you don't feel any attachment with.

I told a friend a little about it, and she took it better than my sister, but i'm sure she didn't understand what I really meant....maybe....if she did...then, great! I would feel really happy is someone finally understand me.

Anyway, I finally draw another Kuroshitsuji fanart. But sadly I did something horrible (hahahaha) I feel the entire "Fandomhive" will hate me because this (;o;) please don't, I have cookies and tea!

Baron Kelvin is the most disgusting character Yana Toboso could ever create. Somehow, I can't feel but pity for him. Maybe I can relate with the feeling of "not good enough" he felt. He just wanted to be equal to Ciel. Of course, his desire went too far and he just ended up in a really pathetic dead. Well, he was pretty pathetic himself...
I really love this arc. it was so twisted and sick. I really miss this Kuroshitsuji...new arc is really disappointing and the new chapter.......UNDERTAKER?! I could see it coming and I really hate it! but I really hope things get better in the coming chapters!

 I wanted to write a good review of Baron Kelvin, but words don't come out..

I'm so bored right now

[I will just say that it really hurts me to see that Forsaken-earl (Ciel roleplayer) from tumblr is struggling so much against her ED. I never imagined she would be in so much pain :( i love her too much... but I'm not someone whose words would change anything...sigh..]

I'm really down you know. Maybe what makes me depressed is that I don't have a fucking job! ;o; I will send my CV and portfolio like crazy to everyone, I will even design for food.... *woof* lie, I don't care about food, I want money! :( I want to start to earn my own money and save and get the hell out of here.

meanwhile, I've been drawing stuff...not the best "thaangs" ever but I have to do something...I'm so bored of being at my house that I would shoot myself. Oh yeah! I have been chatting with someone from tumblr, she added me on facebook last time and we start to talk one of this days. I have to admit I get TOO NERVOUS when someone writes to me, it's fucking nice to meet new people but i'm too damn shy and i'm so afraid that they get tired of me...but i like to talk to her, although i don't write too much or don't give the cleverest replies.
I hope I get to know her better. I'm sad because I feel like a lost a friend but talking to her makes me feel relieved.

Haven't drawn any Kuroshitsuji lately. which makes me kind of sad because I really enjoy drawing Ciel. Maybe tomorrow

Suisei no Gargantia

Hi! long time no see!
First of all, I'm graduated! Finally! and now i'm just unemployed! lol this week has been a nightmare, everything has gone bad but at least, I didn't fall in front of everyone at the graduation ceremony (ノ*゜▽゜*) 

Anyway, I have been watching Suisei no Gargantia

Since the moment I first knew about this I fell in love with the animation, everything is so colorful and beautiful! Second, I think i'm loving Ledo and Chamber (they are so awesome together). It only has 3 episodes by now and the story is so far really cool.
In the moment Ledo and Chamber realized they were in the Earth made me squeeze because I know this "unknown" planet is going to be their home along with Amy and everyone else. He also learned meaning of gratitude. (I am not going to make a review about this anime or something, because i'm not good at this, besides I don't want to spoil it to anyone who'd read this)
About the characters, I can see some stereotypes but I hope every each of them had a good character development in the process.

So i'm looking forward more episodes and hope I can enjoy it as much as i enjoy watching Hyouka!

Someday it was going to happen, today is the day...

wow....I knew it.
all this makes me sad but I'm laughing inside.
This person I cared too much about, this person i was so afraid to lose, has been saying mean stuff about me and my other friends. She is saying I'm so immature but she's the one talking shit on twitter.
I feel like giving her a comeback, but I won't play her game. I know I didn't do anything wrong, and I don't need to clear any misunderstanding to her. My mind is in peace and that's what matters.

I hope she find someone who will be there for her the same way I was. Maybe I wasn't the best friend ever, but I know I tried my best. You are the one with more enemies than friends. Not me.

So i guess this is the end, good bye my friend

feel feel feel FEELING!

Ok...everything is going so bad right now....maybe I will lose a friend because everyone else's fault.
I'm trying to be strong enough not to break.
I feel that all those "little nasty things" they have pointed out is for me. HOPE i'm wrong, but I have this feeling inside.
I feel like crying right now, but i won't.

This feeling of losing the most precious person to me sucks...

Incredibly Invasive Questions

Found this on TUMBLR, so I decided to do it

• 1. Describe the scent of your shampoo.// I don't know how to describe it more than regular shampoo scent 
• 2. What does your favorite bra/boxers look like?// I don't have any favorite bra/boxer hahaha yeah, I'm doing well with this questions
• 3. Shotgun or backseat? // what? shotgun! you never know when a zombie apocalypses will happen
• 4. Hardcover or softcover? // Hardcover
• 5. Do you play an instrument? // Never learned any
• 6. What color is your room?// white
• 7. Favorite celebrity hair? // 
  
  Miku's hair *Q*
• 8. If you could switch places with (insert name) for a day, what would you do? hahaha have many names in my head right now that I won't answer this 
• 9. What was your childhood "security blanket?"// I don't know if this can be considered as a security blanket, but drawing was the only thing that make me feel comfortable and safe 
• 10. Do you like men who wear Axe?// I've never known what Axe smell like
• 11. Are you wearing any pants right now? // yes, I only wear them
• 12. Most rebellious thing you have ever done?// I'm a saint -_-
• 13. Least favorite teacher? Why? // maybe my language and grammar teacher in highschool, he always made fun of me in project presentations and never called me by my real name. For some reason I was Angelica in his classes
• 14. First thing you wash in the shower?// My hands :'3
• 15. What is the thing you brag about most often? // ironically, my drawing skill. I say 'ironically' because i always complaint about it too
• 16. Most played song on your Ipod/Itunes? // Sanctuary by Utada Hikaru and Bird by Yuya Matsushita 
• 17. If you're in your room, look at the first photo you see. Whats the story behind it? // I don't have photos in my room
• 18. Any fanfic recs for (insert pairing here)? // I don't read fanfic -_-
• 19. What movie are you most looking forward to in the next year?// I'm looking forward World war Z but I guess it releases on May this year *o*
• 20. What would you say if Taylor Swift asked you out?// I'm never ever ever ever ever ever going out with you
• 21. How many asks have you gotten in the last 24 hours?// on tumblr? none :D
• 22. What is your number one otp?// hahaha Axel x Sora. They were my first otp I unconscionably shipped
• 23. Should you be doing homework right now? What subject? // No, I don't have homeworks anymore ;D
• 24. What is your wifi password?// too long to remember it
• 25. Whats the last thing you ate?// an orange flavored bread my father baked
• 26. Ever had any near death experiences?// When I was a baby
• 27. Whats the story behind your nickname?// FrauenCain, I've been using this username since high school.  I never wanted to be seen as a girl online, so i chose Cain because Kaori Yuki's character from Count Cain. And I liked how Frauen (which mean "Señorita") sounds. I thought it was a clever way to be non-female and non-male hahahah
• 28. Favorite chapstick flavor? Don't use chapstick -_-
• 29. Choose one thing on your fridge and tell the story behind it.// what? there's no story more than it was bought at the supermarket :V
• 30. Whats the last thing you bought? // A black dress :D for my graduation ceremony 

They wouldn't care anyway

No, if I ever kill myself, I don't believe there would be anyone who will pretend they gave a single fuck about me or care enough to lie about how closed we were. If I ever kill myself, no one will ever notice and I will be forgotten in a matter of months or a year...
There's no reason to worry about hurting people with my decisions, as I said, no one will even bother to notice i'm not around anymore, because I'm usually the one who talk to them first.

If I disappear, i'm not the type of person people will miss, on the contrary. there's been weeks or months I don't talk to anyone and I have never seen anyone giving a single fucking fuck about it. Sometimes it feels like i'm already dead and the only one who doesn't know it is me.

I think I will disappear for a while, no one needs me or cares about me anyway. It's been always like this. 

Cat moron! you are making me sneeze

Drawing again! I really like this version, I drew them before but it was too simple, so it's time to make a better one. I did this for my two favorite Roleplayers on Tumblr.
I'm not into roleplaying, and it's hard to find someone who get the character's essence. But they are pretty awesome!
Finished version: Mouse Ciel & Sebastian-Cat

I found amusing that Ciel is allergic to cats, and Sebastian is a cat. So imagine him dealing with his allergies every fucking day because -like it or not- Sebastian is always near him.
I'm a little scare of myself, because i'm too conscious of getting notes on tumblr now ;o; NO!!!!! I don't like that! It won't be fun anymore, but I'll try to relax......OTL



Nothing to write about to be honest :) So better go! bye

drawing again

Finally decided to draw something with the tablet, I want it to look like Art Nouveau but I know it's going to be fucking hard! ( =3=)
And, I did my fanart blog account: Frauencafe.tumblr I will upload my Kuroshitsuji fanarts and other fandoms :'3

Oh yeah! I found another Ciel cosplayer and damn, she is SO CUTE!

And what about some Alois too! 

</3 I die....she's such a doll

in other news...

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.....
I feel tired and unmotivated. (that's brand new information!!!!!)

Since I got the damn Wacom I haven't feel like drawing anything, which sucks because I really want to do something but I'm right in the moment I get uninspired and somehow depressed...
I have been drawing my comic, which I can't say I have done nothing, but it's not the same. Start to wonder why I'm doing it, or why do i keep on drawing at all...maybe you won't understand and think i'm just whining. which is what I do best, right? whining bitch I am ;D well, I'm not sad or depressed right now...just tired...

I'll graduate on April  :D and right now, it's possible I got a freelance along my sister and another friend. I've been working on my CV and portfolio of course. I feel a little excited and scared at the same time. But I want to draw something, seriously! but I just can't come with anything, i'm doubting me again...I have looked for inspirations and I have found plenty, but I still can't do anything...

For someone who wants to work as an illustrator this is really sad, I know I need to find something that makes me happy again, but I don't know...
I was also thinking about making a fanart blog, just to avoid submitting my anime shits to my personal art blog/portfolio thing, but something is stopping me, and I don't know what the fuck! Maybe the fear that I won't be able to update because my lack of creativity and never ending art block....or maybe the feeling that i'm not that impressive as an artist....and then I get tired and want to sleep the whole day...I don't want to deal with people or situations...I start to think that maybe I'm becoming too fucking lazy...but laziness goes away when you find the motivation right?!

again, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me?! I feel I just want to lie and rot to death...I have the will to do stuff but it seems it's not enough....

.............................................
[btw, it's funny how my Kuroshitsuji shits on tumblr get a lot of notes]

Kuroshitsuji chapter 78 haha

OH JFC!!!!

I'm updating just because Kuroshitsuji ch 78 is out LOL....

First thing first, let's appreciate this beautiful page! Just to think this perfect scene is the opening to a stupid cricket game with a demon who's worse than me chasing people is really depressing...but Yana sensei, you are just exquisite with your art and I wish we could see the so called "darkness" Kuroshitsuji was about again...someday....

******SPOILER*****

Well... first OMGWTF?! they just don't come to see this fucking principal...WTF is wrong with you Sebastian! suddenly you are a useless demon who only knows all about human desires! but hey! it seems this principal is not just a mere human -interesting- JUST PLEASE! don't come with the theory this guy is the undertaker! idk but this guy always appears when you are not expecting it and I just hope this is just a stupid theory that pop-up to my head right now....mystery school where the student are just disappearing...you know, underworld stuff + missing people = Undertaker >_>

second, finally we will see Ciel doing something besides telling people what to do and how to do it...well, I think here comes the new Blue miracle or whatever it's called...of course...This arc is getting endless, and I hope we could move on to something better pretty soon...

btw, I love Yuya is playing Sebastian again in the new Namashitsuji...sadly my babe Nishii is not Ciel anymore, when I first read that Tanaka Taketo was going to be Ciel I was not sure but now I think he will make an awesome Ciel, he looks great and he is really good actor. So let's wait for it!

AND.....

about the Live action movie.......
.
.
.
.
JUST NO! I'm not expecting it to be a great production like Gantz or Rurouni Kenshin...just reading the plot "xxx years after the original set" *shoot* I just don't know if I could support Sebastian without Ciel....is like Ranma without Akane...they have to be together (not because I ship CielxSeb and the yaoi love has to be there) it's because Ciel IS THE MAIN CHARACTER! there wouldn't be this famous black butler if this corrupted little boy hadn't made the contract...you know what i mean right! idk...just my thoughts....I will wait for more information before putting my foot down...

I AM FAT! T^T

I start classes this week, Friday from 3pm to 7 pm and Saturday from 8 am to 5 pm...I'm kind of nervous because I need to make it pretty well.
Christmas and New Year went so fast I can't even realize we are already on January. This last Saturday was my Bday which sucked...I'm kind of depressed and a little bitter...it seems that my "dearest" friend talks to me only when I talk to her first...and worst is that I really miss her rn...but she just don't give a fuck.

Oh yeah! my parents gave me a WACOM for Xmas T^T I was so shocked!!!!! I love it so much, but it's such a bitch! I still have troubles with the pen pressure and I cannot draw straight lines LOL...I haven't draw anything yet because I can't think of anything to draw yet...which sucks even more

Anyway, I went shopping today and FUCK! I'm so fat....:( I really need to diet, I have never been this fat before!!! I watched myself in the mirror and GODAMMIT! I didn't like what I see... ;o;

I bought this shirt, I really love it, I want to buy more manly clothes u_u I have decided to become the person I have always wanted to be. I never felt ok with my gender (don't know if I have mentioned this before) anyway...

This one, was my favorite, but.....it didn't fit......that's why I'm so alarm about how fat I am right not...I left the store with tears in my eyes because this babe was so perfect...I need you pretty :'(

[btw, I was talking with my friend -the one mentioned above- and I feel really ..I don't know, she says really nice things to me but I'm not sure if I should take them anymore...I totally love her but I just don't trust anyone anymore]