#9

I hate to be here every time I feel upset, sadly this is the only place I can vent my heart out.
Today some friends and I got upset to each other for the stupidest reason ever. I have never try to make them angry but they said some hurtful comments and well, the things didn't go well. I don't want to tell details because I don't want to get upset again.
I know that I'm overreacting, maybe it's because I'm on my period but I don't know if I'm in my right to feel this way. But this just makes me think about how easy is to me to unattache from people. I tried so hard to be in someone's life for many years that I've learnt that the worst thing you can do is beg for people's love.
If this stupid fight made me feel upset is because I care, right? But if this makes us get away from each other I don't feel any kind of loss. Sometimes I wonder if my friends are the friends I really need... As awful as I feel writing this, I have never felt that I can't live without them. We laugh, we spend a good time together but sometimes they do things I dislike and I never say anything bc this differences are what make friendships stronger, maybe not??

But at the end of the day I've never felt understood by them. I think this is my fault since I tend to have a double life, they think of me the same way the people in the office do, they only know this side of me I pretend to be...
I don't know if we will stay friends forever or we will just stop talking as the time goes, but for today, I don't want to stress about this, this is supposed to be a good time since we are close to Christmas and it will suck to be in bad terms with them but I won't chase them, I won't go behind anyone again anymore

#8

I honestly feel embarrassed for posting this but this is my personal blog and I want to talk about this.
Maybe people wouldn't see any difference but I do and besides feeling happy I feel terrified. Terrified of getting back to my initial weight. If someone takes their time to read my blog they will know that my weight is part of my suffering lol.... All my life I have struggled with losing weight because my stupid self bases my own worth in how heavy I am, and being overweight / obese destroy anything good I can find in myself.
Of course I know this is not a healthy mindset, I tried to accept the way I was, but my weight influences a lot with my dysphoria. Having big breasts and wide hips makes me feel awful, I hate myself so much for letting me get this fat and I cried a lot.... Maybe I don't look like it but I have a tendency to suffer eating disorders. I have notebooks filled with hate messages reminding me to avoid eating that day, hating myself for succumb to my hunger, it was pathetic. I even joined some forums for Ana and Mia... I felt, and sometimes I still feel accomplished when my stomach hurts because I haven't eaten during the day.
And I'm a big hypocrite. On the outside it seems that I really don't care about this stuff, I promote healthy eating and how important is to love yourself despite everything, but destroying myself is something I like to do...

After all this years, it seems that I have finally find a way to lose all that weight. And as easy as it sounds, the mindset is the key to success... I'm still in progress but I have lost 35 lbs this year (I feel proud but in my head this number seems too small). The only thing I'm doing is to avoid sugar and carbs haha... I am afraid to get stuck and start getting all the weight back and I'm getting a little obsessed with this. But I'm really happy to finally doing it. Right now my weight is the same I was 5 years ago and hopefully I will get to a healthy weight someday.
Talking about this makes me feel I jinxed myself but sometimes I want to tell everyone but as I said before, people think that I don't care about this stuff.

There are many things I want to write about tonight but the last entries were a little depressing so I don't want to be negative all the time, I will save it for another day when I feel better. I tried to cheer myself up with this entry but I'm a little embarrassed as I said at the beginning of this post.