#4 I'm fine

Sometimes you don't need a reason to feel miserable, you just do. Feeling like you can't control anything but the urge, feeling like you have nothing worth giving or sharing and they give you something to hide and stories behind. Hiding yourself from people but wishing they would notice and understand who you are... Feeling stupid for doing this but this is all you can do for yourself. The irony of feeling proud for having them, for showing them, for expecting others to see and know how you feel... Basing your worth by how big or deep or visible the wound is, because if you didn't go all the way through you are a coward, trash. Hate yourself for doing it but hate yourself more for not doing it often. Faking smiles every day is annoying , faking being normal is exhausting when all you can think about is to end it all...sometimes you don't need a reason to feel miserable, you just do. 

#3 September is finally here

I have been watching Ancafe's last lives while walking on the treadmill and although it makes me feel a little sad, it brings me such nice memories. It's hard to realize that they are no longer active and I won't see them again 😔 I miss them, specially Miku, he gave me something to look up for every day and since they disbanded, Miku disappeared from social media.
This month is good to remember the things that made us smile once, sometimes nostalgia hurts more than sadness but it's a good feeling, I guess.
I don't have the age for longing things I will never have or be like I used to when I was 22yo. Thankfully I grew up and got over some things that made me miserable, like wishing to wake up in someone else's body. When you hate yourself this is something you daydream about often, at least, I did. I still struggle with accepting myself and my relationship with myself is still broken but I know what I want for me, what I need to do and why... I won't be that person that will tell herself that she's wonderful and love to be her in front of the mirror... never... But at least, I don't want to be someone else anymore.
This entry ended up a little sad. Sorry.
Anyway, it's finally September which means the last beautiful 3 months are coming. I live this season and I really hope this will be great months!! I'm afraid to get too excited bc sometimes shit happens and I'm not in a mental place to feel disappointed but I will cross fingers 😊
No gif or image today bc I'm writing through the cell phone