My name is Cain but no one knows....

Today is one of those days I can't handle being who I am, I'm not sure if this is what people call "dysphoria"... But today I felt sad for being me. I don't know how to explain it. I'm afraid of explain it... I'm afraid of someone reading this and think that this is just a whim, a cry for attention... I'm afraid of looking stupid. I just know that I would cut my hair today and cut other things too. Today it was hard to breath, today I didn't want anyone to see me, talk to me... My body felt heavier than never... I just want to be the person I am in my dreams. Wake up and being him... Call me by his name... Make my current self disappear and refer to me as "He"...
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But here I am, feeling invalid. Because my fucking self can't pass as a man... Because my fucking face, my fucking body, my fucking voice is clearly female... Because all you know is to refer to me as a "she". Because it seems I will never have the guts to confess this to anybody, to be honest with all of you who call yourselves my friends, my family... Because I'm fucking afraid of hear you laughing... Judging and misunderstanding... I want to wake up one day and tell you all who I really am.

Today was one of those days I cried in my inside for being who I am... I hope tomorrow gets me closer to the day I've been longing for so long. I just don't feel to be happy right now, or pretend to be... 

#6...

It bothers me to feel this way and don't have anyone to talk to. Sometimes I don't know why I need someone when I know what they will say, I know the words I will hear and I know that nothing they say will change a thing. Suck it up like everyone else does, right?
I have been feeling anxious lately, I'm upset, and it worries me to go back to the office with this mindset. Although, feeling this way makes me want to work harder for what I want, and the fear to die is gone, I honestly think that dying wouldn't be something bad at all... The problem is that I don't want to surround myself with people bc I don't want to ruin the day for them but if I tell them that I don't feel like going out they will get upset anyway.
I wrote that I didn't like to be alone with myself but I need to be alone right now. I'm sorry if this blog gets to negative and I know that no one wants to read about someone else's depression... Depression...
Am I depressed? Is it valid for me to say I have it?? Just like my identity, it feels so alien to me......whatever....

Again, I'm sorry. 

#?? The voice in my head is loud today

October finally came and it's ending already, I wished this month to be perfect and it kind of was. But I was afraid of having a crisis this days and it happened. Things got a little frustrating this past weeks and I broke. I cried in the office, I tried to hide the best I could but tears didn't stop and there was me, feeling useless, stupid and angry for feeling that way and hating what triggered it. I won't explained what happened because it makes me upset that something so stupid and trivial affected me that much. Anyway...
I've been at home this week because I'm on my vacation, good thing is that I could clear my mind from the stress from the job and clean my room lol I had a year of not doing it so it was needed. The problem is that.... I'm left alone with myself for too long, being with my head never ends well. I rush to twitter every time I feel miserable, but there are ppl that knows me irl and I don't want them to know how I feel.... Do I??
I want to write of how much I need to cut myself to avoid doing it but I can't... I don't want them to ask, to assume, to tell me to stop being stupid. And here I am, with my arm feeling sore, I cut, just one of them bleed.... So lame...
This will sound idiotic but thinking of who I am, how I look rn, who I am with ppl around me, this person they know as helen makes me... I can't even find a word to describe how disgusted, how angry, how sad, how disappointed I feel. I hate being known by this name, as this person...
My eyes get teary as I write this down, but crying won't fix it...
It's funny to think that I thought I had get over things, I was more mature when I came back to this blog some months ago and honestly I'm more broken than before. Good thing is that nobody reads me here and I can be more honest, not being afraid of being questioned.... Although... Really deep deep inside of me I wish there would be someone who would understand. She did, she helped me even when I couldn't helped her feeling better... But I'm alone now. As cliché as it sounds, the voices in my head are louder today... And they seem to be laughing at me for being so pathetic... "you are 31yo now, ppl your age are supposed to have things fixed by now, stop being so childish, who do you want to impress??! "...
Anyway, my arm hurts and I don't know how to end this entry haha...
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