#4 I'm fine

Sometimes you don't need a reason to feel miserable, you just do. Feeling like you can't control anything but the urge, feeling like you have nothing worth giving or sharing and they give you something to hide and stories behind. Hiding yourself from people but wishing they would notice and understand who you are... Feeling stupid for doing this but this is all you can do for yourself. The irony of feeling proud for having them, for showing them, for expecting others to see and know how you feel... Basing your worth by how big or deep or visible the wound is, because if you didn't go all the way through you are a coward, trash. Hate yourself for doing it but hate yourself more for not doing it often. Faking smiles every day is annoying , faking being normal is exhausting when all you can think about is to end it all...sometimes you don't need a reason to feel miserable, you just do. 

#3 September is finally here

I have been watching Ancafe's last lives while walking on the treadmill and although it makes me feel a little sad, it brings me such nice memories. It's hard to realize that they are no longer active and I won't see them again 😔 I miss them, specially Miku, he gave me something to look up for every day and since they disbanded, Miku disappeared from social media.
This month is good to remember the things that made us smile once, sometimes nostalgia hurts more than sadness but it's a good feeling, I guess.
I don't have the age for longing things I will never have or be like I used to when I was 22yo. Thankfully I grew up and got over some things that made me miserable, like wishing to wake up in someone else's body. When you hate yourself this is something you daydream about often, at least, I did. I still struggle with accepting myself and my relationship with myself is still broken but I know what I want for me, what I need to do and why... I won't be that person that will tell herself that she's wonderful and love to be her in front of the mirror... never... But at least, I don't want to be someone else anymore.
This entry ended up a little sad. Sorry.
Anyway, it's finally September which means the last beautiful 3 months are coming. I live this season and I really hope this will be great months!! I'm afraid to get too excited bc sometimes shit happens and I'm not in a mental place to feel disappointed but I will cross fingers 😊
No gif or image today bc I'm writing through the cell phone 

#2 - Grey is... Manga

This year I haven't read too much manga, I think I am stuck with the same on going titles like Kuroshitsuji (the manga is doing amazing lately), I am a Hero and My Hero Academia. But I also found a non-japanese manga that I dare to say is the only work by a foreign author that I have enjoyed. I want to talk a little about it.

This manga is Grey is... by dee juusan, the story is about the friendship of two broken friends who help each other to deal with their past and ghosts. Sometimes it gets corny but the story telling is really well done in the last chapters.
The atmosphere of loneliness and longingness for a better life is nicely portrayed, and I really like the contrast between the characters.

We have White(black hair) who is the mind-centered guy, the one who looks like he has everything figured out when he really has not. But he is the one with the cold head and the person who always has a good advice.
Then, there's Black (White hair) who's childish and impulsive. He refuses to grow up and is usually in troubles. From the very begining is stated that he was abused when he was young, I think the story starts with Black wanting to jump from a building and White stopping him.
This event becomes important for them and they celebrate it every year. This is something I find really cute.
I won't tell details and what happens in the story, if someone happen to find this and wants to read it, I don't want to spoil it.
Friendship is the main theme in this manga, but signs of depression and self harm is explicity shown in this. I must confess that I wasn't expecting to be affect by any of this, somehow... when I read this, something in me got triggered...
In the first post I mentioned that I started to self harm again, well, this was the moment I did.

I don't know if this manga caused it or I was already in a unhealty mindset that reading this awaked the impulse to do it. thankfully I was in vacation and I didn't have to deal with this at the office.
There was a day when I didn't sleep at all and cried all night thinking the worst about me. This will sound pathetic but it was so long since I felt this way and I'm confused....I felt kind of proud when I saw the wounds in my arms... I liked how they look and to have a secret no one imagine.
and Suddenly I feel stupid for having this thoughts. At least, I don't feel this way anymore, but I want to keep reading this manga but I'm kind of scared to trigger this mindset again. Probably it was not the manga's fault but my own and I will be safe next time.

Anyway, the art is beautiful and althought the first chapters are not that great drawn, some details in the story were hard to catch, like sometimes it was hard for me to follow the conversations, they were talking about people not introduced in the story yet or past situations that are explained later but as the story goes on, the pages start to get more professional looking and the feelings are so sharp in every page, everything begins to make sense. I have mixed feelings for Black, I would like to identify with him (my thing with white hair characters) and my liking to characters that struggle and suffer but White is more relatable to me. White may look plain but he's probably the most complexed character since we are usually tell Black's side of the story but White's has holes that are a mistery even for the characters in it. I really want to know more about him.

Well, if anyone is interested in this, you can find it in the link below:
Grey is manga

You can also find short stories in this: Grey is in Webtoons

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Changing the topic, I start going to walk/run with some friends after work and damn.... my legs hurts so bad right now. I didn't even run but this pain is a bitch. I really wish to get to the moment I'm able to jog or run.

#1

Have you ever feel the urge to do something but have no idea of what to do?
Like I want to draw, I want to do my hair, I want to work out but at the end of the day I didn't do anything...
Today was my day off and I went to eat with the twin and her boyfriend, it was a good day. Sometimes I want to keep this real and stop pretending that I am fixed and totally fine. But I don't want to look miserable like I used to. I need to find the balance.

I changed the theme of the blog and I guess it looks ok, I want it to make think of autumn and make it my cozy place.
I don't know what I feel right now. It's something between happiness, sadness, excitement and anxiety... I will just take a bath and relax for the night. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.

New re-introduction

Since I'm coming back almost 2 years later, I think I can re-introduce myself. As I mentioned in the last entry, some things have changed and some has stayed the same.
I'm, of course, older and I guess wiser...I'm still the same clueless person but now I deal with things more calmly and neutral.

The first thing I did today was to delete one of my old blogs, the one I used to write about my feelings and depression. I wrote some sensitive things there and I don't want it to be online anymore. I met some wonderful people there, and sadly I never kept contact with them, but they will stay in my heart forever.
I'm still working at the same job, always with adidas and I'm blessed to still have my job. Things are harder and complicated now, sometimes I feel like quitting but I know that it would be the WORSE decision ever. I can't imagine to do anything else. Besides my plan is to be there as long as possible. Thank you so much for trusting in me.

Anyway, I don't have a specific plan for this blog, besides talking to myself. I will probably write about my feelings and daily basis.
I read my old entries and although some made me cringe, it's nice to realize that I have change the things I didn't like about myself to become the person I want to be.
Sometimes it feels silly that I'm still struggling with my identity at my age, but everything is so clear now. I'm working on myself and hopefully I will start living this new self next year.

I'm still struggling with depression and this year has been a little hard, I self harmed again but I will write about it another time. Right now I'm felling good. I improved my diet and I think that it helps a lot. I still read manga and collect figures. I don't draw as often as I used to, This is something I really miss when reading this blog again. I really drew a lot even when I was at the university and doing projects and homeworks, I have some free time now but I spend it going out and eating with friends. I don't even watch TV, or netflix. I want to improve that part though.

Tomorrow is vacation and I got the day off, this is why I'm getting the chance to write today.
anyway. Good night :)

After so long

Hello,
I just remembered that I have this blog and how much I like to write. I have been doing it in a notebook lately but I'm thinking of returning to update this blog. My English has gotten worse so I also hope this will help me keeping up with it.
I was reading some entries and it's really fun to realize how different are things now. Some stays the same and I have move on from others. I would write about it later.
I need a place to run to when life gets too overwhelmed.

Let's get this going 😊

The Blogger who is always in HIATUS

Good afternoon...
It's July 2nd, 2017. and I remember that I promised to updated my blog more in 2015 lol...
It's been so long since I last updated and I happily can say that a lot of things have happened, Good and bad. But I try to focus on the good things.
I'm still working for adidas and I feel blessed, even though things have gotten really complicated inside my Job, I have the blessing to still have a job so I won't complain about anything about it.

I am 29 years old now and I'm still the same person loving manga and trivial stuff that make me smile. The biggest change right now is that I can afford buying manga and action figures now ( ◞･౪･)

I don't have much time because I work 9 hours everyday and I only got weekends to rest but I'm usually out. I know, this is not important and no one really asked but I want to mention it.
I missed those days when I could watch an entire serie or draw everyday, sadly I still have no motivation and I have drawn some simple drawings, there's still the wish to do it more.
Maybe some day I could show them here too, I'm using Instagram now but here is my secret, cozy place.
Thiz year is going so fast and it bothers me that I still have resolutions I wish I can make them happen yet, but we are 2 months apart from September which makes me really happy!! Although we don't have fall season here I love everything about it and the weather gets really nice here since September so I celebrate my "Autum" in a special way. You are never too old to enjoy small things.

Anyway, I just wanted to prove that I'm still alive and hopefully I will write again sometime.