October finally came and it's ending already, I wished this month to be perfect and it kind of was. But I was afraid of having a crisis this days and it happened. Things got a little frustrating this past weeks and I broke. I cried in the office, I tried to hide the best I could but tears didn't stop and there was me, feeling useless, stupid and angry for feeling that way and hating what triggered it. I won't explained what happened because it makes me upset that something so stupid and trivial affected me that much. Anyway...
I've been at home this week because I'm on my vacation, good thing is that I could clear my mind from the stress from the job and clean my room lol I had a year of not doing it so it was needed. The problem is that.... I'm left alone with myself for too long, being with my head never ends well. I rush to twitter every time I feel miserable, but there are ppl that knows me irl and I don't want them to know how I feel.... Do I??
I want to write of how much I need to cut myself to avoid doing it but I can't... I don't want them to ask, to assume, to tell me to stop being stupid. And here I am, with my arm feeling sore, I cut, just one of them bleed.... So lame...
This will sound idiotic but thinking of who I am, how I look rn, who I am with ppl around me, this person they know as helen makes me... I can't even find a word to describe how disgusted, how angry, how sad, how disappointed I feel. I hate being known by this name, as this person...
My eyes get teary as I write this down, but crying won't fix it...
It's funny to think that I thought I had get over things, I was more mature when I came back to this blog some months ago and honestly I'm more broken than before. Good thing is that nobody reads me here and I can be more honest, not being afraid of being questioned.... Although... Really deep deep inside of me I wish there would be someone who would understand. She did, she helped me even when I couldn't helped her feeling better... But I'm alone now. As cliché as it sounds, the voices in my head are louder today... And they seem to be laughing at me for being so pathetic... "you are 31yo now, ppl your age are supposed to have things fixed by now, stop being so childish, who do you want to impress??! "...
Anyway, my arm hurts and I don't know how to end this entry haha...
.
.
.
.
I've been at home this week because I'm on my vacation, good thing is that I could clear my mind from the stress from the job and clean my room lol I had a year of not doing it so it was needed. The problem is that.... I'm left alone with myself for too long, being with my head never ends well. I rush to twitter every time I feel miserable, but there are ppl that knows me irl and I don't want them to know how I feel.... Do I??
I want to write of how much I need to cut myself to avoid doing it but I can't... I don't want them to ask, to assume, to tell me to stop being stupid. And here I am, with my arm feeling sore, I cut, just one of them bleed.... So lame...
This will sound idiotic but thinking of who I am, how I look rn, who I am with ppl around me, this person they know as helen makes me... I can't even find a word to describe how disgusted, how angry, how sad, how disappointed I feel. I hate being known by this name, as this person...
My eyes get teary as I write this down, but crying won't fix it...
It's funny to think that I thought I had get over things, I was more mature when I came back to this blog some months ago and honestly I'm more broken than before. Good thing is that nobody reads me here and I can be more honest, not being afraid of being questioned.... Although... Really deep deep inside of me I wish there would be someone who would understand. She did, she helped me even when I couldn't helped her feeling better... But I'm alone now. As cliché as it sounds, the voices in my head are louder today... And they seem to be laughing at me for being so pathetic... "you are 31yo now, ppl your age are supposed to have things fixed by now, stop being so childish, who do you want to impress??! "...
Anyway, my arm hurts and I don't know how to end this entry haha...
.
.
.
.
No hay comentarios:
Publicar un comentario