My name is Cain but no one knows....

Today is one of those days I can't handle being who I am, I'm not sure if this is what people call "dysphoria"... But today I felt sad for being me. I don't know how to explain it. I'm afraid of explain it... I'm afraid of someone reading this and think that this is just a whim, a cry for attention... I'm afraid of looking stupid. I just know that I would cut my hair today and cut other things too. Today it was hard to breath, today I didn't want anyone to see me, talk to me... My body felt heavier than never... I just want to be the person I am in my dreams. Wake up and being him... Call me by his name... Make my current self disappear and refer to me as "He"...
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But here I am, feeling invalid. Because my fucking self can't pass as a man... Because my fucking face, my fucking body, my fucking voice is clearly female... Because all you know is to refer to me as a "she". Because it seems I will never have the guts to confess this to anybody, to be honest with all of you who call yourselves my friends, my family... Because I'm fucking afraid of hear you laughing... Judging and misunderstanding... I want to wake up one day and tell you all who I really am.

Today was one of those days I cried in my inside for being who I am... I hope tomorrow gets me closer to the day I've been longing for so long. I just don't feel to be happy right now, or pretend to be...