Ephemeral

Guess who's been drawing to avoid reality.
As my alter bunny says, I feel miserable right now. I don't know if it's because I have been listening to Supercell -their songs make me super sad- or bc I can't help to think that I can't do anything right.
I don't know what to do with my life, I got projects and tomorrow I will have a meeting with friends to work on a freelance, it's not like I don't have things to do even though I don't have a job.

Today I got really nice messages on Deviantart, and I should feel happy. My parents are not in town and I have been able to rest and draw all day. I don't have anything to complain about But I can't help to feel sad...
I just want to cry and disappear but tears don't come out.
I have felt like this the whole last weeks, but today I made my hair, maybe looking a little decent would make me feel better. It did but....it's not enough...

What's worse, I don't have anyone to talk about this. That's why I started drawing today. Used the damn tablet and finally do something. The Sora over there is looking pretty decent to me -I guess- I have been using trivial stuff to makes me smile, like Ancafe's new PV, listening to vocaloid again, checking my deviantart (I had months since last time I got in there) being on tumblr and laugh at stupid anime jokes. And all that is so ephemeral...I don't talk to friends because I don't have anything to talk about than this shitty feeling. I don't want to bother anyway.

I really don't want to go out tomorrow. I want to sleep the whole day and don't think about anything at all.

I'm not dead! :D

Aaaaaaaaah!!!! Long time since my last entry!!!! ToT
There's nothing to tell to be honest. Maybe the only thing that's on my mind is that I'm really thinking about coming out as a male trans. It's not something I just decided lately. It's something I have feel since I'm really young, but never had the guts to admit.
It's really hard to deal with this situation when all the ppl around you think it's only a whim, that I just gave up because I cannot find a nice bra.......DIE! but everytime I try to explain it, I can't do it and don't feel stupid by their opinion. You really have not idea what it's like to live feeling that you were born in the wrong body and have to resign to be called and treated as someone you don't feel any attachment with.

I told a friend a little about it, and she took it better than my sister, but i'm sure she didn't understand what I really meant....maybe....if she did...then, great! I would feel really happy is someone finally understand me.

Anyway, I finally draw another Kuroshitsuji fanart. But sadly I did something horrible (hahahaha) I feel the entire "Fandomhive" will hate me because this (;o;) please don't, I have cookies and tea!

Baron Kelvin is the most disgusting character Yana Toboso could ever create. Somehow, I can't feel but pity for him. Maybe I can relate with the feeling of "not good enough" he felt. He just wanted to be equal to Ciel. Of course, his desire went too far and he just ended up in a really pathetic dead. Well, he was pretty pathetic himself...
I really love this arc. it was so twisted and sick. I really miss this Kuroshitsuji...new arc is really disappointing and the new chapter.......UNDERTAKER?! I could see it coming and I really hate it! but I really hope things get better in the coming chapters!

 I wanted to write a good review of Baron Kelvin, but words don't come out..

I'm so bored right now

[I will just say that it really hurts me to see that Forsaken-earl (Ciel roleplayer) from tumblr is struggling so much against her ED. I never imagined she would be in so much pain :( i love her too much... but I'm not someone whose words would change anything...sigh..]

I'm really down you know. Maybe what makes me depressed is that I don't have a fucking job! ;o; I will send my CV and portfolio like crazy to everyone, I will even design for food.... *woof* lie, I don't care about food, I want money! :( I want to start to earn my own money and save and get the hell out of here.

meanwhile, I've been drawing stuff...not the best "thaangs" ever but I have to do something...I'm so bored of being at my house that I would shoot myself. Oh yeah! I have been chatting with someone from tumblr, she added me on facebook last time and we start to talk one of this days. I have to admit I get TOO NERVOUS when someone writes to me, it's fucking nice to meet new people but i'm too damn shy and i'm so afraid that they get tired of me...but i like to talk to her, although i don't write too much or don't give the cleverest replies.
I hope I get to know her better. I'm sad because I feel like a lost a friend but talking to her makes me feel relieved.

Haven't drawn any Kuroshitsuji lately. which makes me kind of sad because I really enjoy drawing Ciel. Maybe tomorrow

Suisei no Gargantia

Hi! long time no see!
First of all, I'm graduated! Finally! and now i'm just unemployed! lol this week has been a nightmare, everything has gone bad but at least, I didn't fall in front of everyone at the graduation ceremony (ノ*゜▽゜*) 

Anyway, I have been watching Suisei no Gargantia

Since the moment I first knew about this I fell in love with the animation, everything is so colorful and beautiful! Second, I think i'm loving Ledo and Chamber (they are so awesome together). It only has 3 episodes by now and the story is so far really cool.
In the moment Ledo and Chamber realized they were in the Earth made me squeeze because I know this "unknown" planet is going to be their home along with Amy and everyone else. He also learned meaning of gratitude. (I am not going to make a review about this anime or something, because i'm not good at this, besides I don't want to spoil it to anyone who'd read this)
About the characters, I can see some stereotypes but I hope every each of them had a good character development in the process.

So i'm looking forward more episodes and hope I can enjoy it as much as i enjoy watching Hyouka!

Someday it was going to happen, today is the day...

wow....I knew it.
all this makes me sad but I'm laughing inside.
This person I cared too much about, this person i was so afraid to lose, has been saying mean stuff about me and my other friends. She is saying I'm so immature but she's the one talking shit on twitter.
I feel like giving her a comeback, but I won't play her game. I know I didn't do anything wrong, and I don't need to clear any misunderstanding to her. My mind is in peace and that's what matters.

I hope she find someone who will be there for her the same way I was. Maybe I wasn't the best friend ever, but I know I tried my best. You are the one with more enemies than friends. Not me.

So i guess this is the end, good bye my friend

feel feel feel FEELING!

Ok...everything is going so bad right now....maybe I will lose a friend because everyone else's fault.
I'm trying to be strong enough not to break.
I feel that all those "little nasty things" they have pointed out is for me. HOPE i'm wrong, but I have this feeling inside.
I feel like crying right now, but i won't.

This feeling of losing the most precious person to me sucks...

Incredibly Invasive Questions

Found this on TUMBLR, so I decided to do it

• 1. Describe the scent of your shampoo.// I don't know how to describe it more than regular shampoo scent 
• 2. What does your favorite bra/boxers look like?// I don't have any favorite bra/boxer hahaha yeah, I'm doing well with this questions
• 3. Shotgun or backseat? // what? shotgun! you never know when a zombie apocalypses will happen
• 4. Hardcover or softcover? // Hardcover
• 5. Do you play an instrument? // Never learned any
• 6. What color is your room?// white
• 7. Favorite celebrity hair? // 
  
  Miku's hair *Q*
• 8. If you could switch places with (insert name) for a day, what would you do? hahaha have many names in my head right now that I won't answer this 
• 9. What was your childhood "security blanket?"// I don't know if this can be considered as a security blanket, but drawing was the only thing that make me feel comfortable and safe 
• 10. Do you like men who wear Axe?// I've never known what Axe smell like
• 11. Are you wearing any pants right now? // yes, I only wear them
• 12. Most rebellious thing you have ever done?// I'm a saint -_-
• 13. Least favorite teacher? Why? // maybe my language and grammar teacher in highschool, he always made fun of me in project presentations and never called me by my real name. For some reason I was Angelica in his classes
• 14. First thing you wash in the shower?// My hands :'3
• 15. What is the thing you brag about most often? // ironically, my drawing skill. I say 'ironically' because i always complaint about it too
• 16. Most played song on your Ipod/Itunes? // Sanctuary by Utada Hikaru and Bird by Yuya Matsushita 
• 17. If you're in your room, look at the first photo you see. Whats the story behind it? // I don't have photos in my room
• 18. Any fanfic recs for (insert pairing here)? // I don't read fanfic -_-
• 19. What movie are you most looking forward to in the next year?// I'm looking forward World war Z but I guess it releases on May this year *o*
• 20. What would you say if Taylor Swift asked you out?// I'm never ever ever ever ever ever going out with you
• 21. How many asks have you gotten in the last 24 hours?// on tumblr? none :D
• 22. What is your number one otp?// hahaha Axel x Sora. They were my first otp I unconscionably shipped
• 23. Should you be doing homework right now? What subject? // No, I don't have homeworks anymore ;D
• 24. What is your wifi password?// too long to remember it
• 25. Whats the last thing you ate?// an orange flavored bread my father baked
• 26. Ever had any near death experiences?// When I was a baby
• 27. Whats the story behind your nickname?// FrauenCain, I've been using this username since high school.  I never wanted to be seen as a girl online, so i chose Cain because Kaori Yuki's character from Count Cain. And I liked how Frauen (which mean "Señorita") sounds. I thought it was a clever way to be non-female and non-male hahahah
• 28. Favorite chapstick flavor? Don't use chapstick -_-
• 29. Choose one thing on your fridge and tell the story behind it.// what? there's no story more than it was bought at the supermarket :V
• 30. Whats the last thing you bought? // A black dress :D for my graduation ceremony