#8

I honestly feel embarrassed for posting this but this is my personal blog and I want to talk about this.
Maybe people wouldn't see any difference but I do and besides feeling happy I feel terrified. Terrified of getting back to my initial weight. If someone takes their time to read my blog they will know that my weight is part of my suffering lol.... All my life I have struggled with losing weight because my stupid self bases my own worth in how heavy I am, and being overweight / obese destroy anything good I can find in myself.
Of course I know this is not a healthy mindset, I tried to accept the way I was, but my weight influences a lot with my dysphoria. Having big breasts and wide hips makes me feel awful, I hate myself so much for letting me get this fat and I cried a lot.... Maybe I don't look like it but I have a tendency to suffer eating disorders. I have notebooks filled with hate messages reminding me to avoid eating that day, hating myself for succumb to my hunger, it was pathetic. I even joined some forums for Ana and Mia... I felt, and sometimes I still feel accomplished when my stomach hurts because I haven't eaten during the day.
And I'm a big hypocrite. On the outside it seems that I really don't care about this stuff, I promote healthy eating and how important is to love yourself despite everything, but destroying myself is something I like to do...

After all this years, it seems that I have finally find a way to lose all that weight. And as easy as it sounds, the mindset is the key to success... I'm still in progress but I have lost 35 lbs this year (I feel proud but in my head this number seems too small). The only thing I'm doing is to avoid sugar and carbs haha... I am afraid to get stuck and start getting all the weight back and I'm getting a little obsessed with this. But I'm really happy to finally doing it. Right now my weight is the same I was 5 years ago and hopefully I will get to a healthy weight someday.
Talking about this makes me feel I jinxed myself but sometimes I want to tell everyone but as I said before, people think that I don't care about this stuff.

There are many things I want to write about tonight but the last entries were a little depressing so I don't want to be negative all the time, I will save it for another day when I feel better. I tried to cheer myself up with this entry but I'm a little embarrassed as I said at the beginning of this post. 

My name is Cain but no one knows....

Today is one of those days I can't handle being who I am, I'm not sure if this is what people call "dysphoria"... But today I felt sad for being me. I don't know how to explain it. I'm afraid of explain it... I'm afraid of someone reading this and think that this is just a whim, a cry for attention... I'm afraid of looking stupid. I just know that I would cut my hair today and cut other things too. Today it was hard to breath, today I didn't want anyone to see me, talk to me... My body felt heavier than never... I just want to be the person I am in my dreams. Wake up and being him... Call me by his name... Make my current self disappear and refer to me as "He"...
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But here I am, feeling invalid. Because my fucking self can't pass as a man... Because my fucking face, my fucking body, my fucking voice is clearly female... Because all you know is to refer to me as a "she". Because it seems I will never have the guts to confess this to anybody, to be honest with all of you who call yourselves my friends, my family... Because I'm fucking afraid of hear you laughing... Judging and misunderstanding... I want to wake up one day and tell you all who I really am.

Today was one of those days I cried in my inside for being who I am... I hope tomorrow gets me closer to the day I've been longing for so long. I just don't feel to be happy right now, or pretend to be... 

#6...

It bothers me to feel this way and don't have anyone to talk to. Sometimes I don't know why I need someone when I know what they will say, I know the words I will hear and I know that nothing they say will change a thing. Suck it up like everyone else does, right?
I have been feeling anxious lately, I'm upset, and it worries me to go back to the office with this mindset. Although, feeling this way makes me want to work harder for what I want, and the fear to die is gone, I honestly think that dying wouldn't be something bad at all... The problem is that I don't want to surround myself with people bc I don't want to ruin the day for them but if I tell them that I don't feel like going out they will get upset anyway.
I wrote that I didn't like to be alone with myself but I need to be alone right now. I'm sorry if this blog gets to negative and I know that no one wants to read about someone else's depression... Depression...
Am I depressed? Is it valid for me to say I have it?? Just like my identity, it feels so alien to me......whatever....

Again, I'm sorry. 

#?? The voice in my head is loud today

October finally came and it's ending already, I wished this month to be perfect and it kind of was. But I was afraid of having a crisis this days and it happened. Things got a little frustrating this past weeks and I broke. I cried in the office, I tried to hide the best I could but tears didn't stop and there was me, feeling useless, stupid and angry for feeling that way and hating what triggered it. I won't explained what happened because it makes me upset that something so stupid and trivial affected me that much. Anyway...
I've been at home this week because I'm on my vacation, good thing is that I could clear my mind from the stress from the job and clean my room lol I had a year of not doing it so it was needed. The problem is that.... I'm left alone with myself for too long, being with my head never ends well. I rush to twitter every time I feel miserable, but there are ppl that knows me irl and I don't want them to know how I feel.... Do I??
I want to write of how much I need to cut myself to avoid doing it but I can't... I don't want them to ask, to assume, to tell me to stop being stupid. And here I am, with my arm feeling sore, I cut, just one of them bleed.... So lame...
This will sound idiotic but thinking of who I am, how I look rn, who I am with ppl around me, this person they know as helen makes me... I can't even find a word to describe how disgusted, how angry, how sad, how disappointed I feel. I hate being known by this name, as this person...
My eyes get teary as I write this down, but crying won't fix it...
It's funny to think that I thought I had get over things, I was more mature when I came back to this blog some months ago and honestly I'm more broken than before. Good thing is that nobody reads me here and I can be more honest, not being afraid of being questioned.... Although... Really deep deep inside of me I wish there would be someone who would understand. She did, she helped me even when I couldn't helped her feeling better... But I'm alone now. As cliché as it sounds, the voices in my head are louder today... And they seem to be laughing at me for being so pathetic... "you are 31yo now, ppl your age are supposed to have things fixed by now, stop being so childish, who do you want to impress??! "...
Anyway, my arm hurts and I don't know how to end this entry haha...
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#4 I'm fine

Sometimes you don't need a reason to feel miserable, you just do. Feeling like you can't control anything but the urge, feeling like you have nothing worth giving or sharing and they give you something to hide and stories behind. Hiding yourself from people but wishing they would notice and understand who you are... Feeling stupid for doing this but this is all you can do for yourself. The irony of feeling proud for having them, for showing them, for expecting others to see and know how you feel... Basing your worth by how big or deep or visible the wound is, because if you didn't go all the way through you are a coward, trash. Hate yourself for doing it but hate yourself more for not doing it often. Faking smiles every day is annoying , faking being normal is exhausting when all you can think about is to end it all...sometimes you don't need a reason to feel miserable, you just do. 

#3 September is finally here

I have been watching Ancafe's last lives while walking on the treadmill and although it makes me feel a little sad, it brings me such nice memories. It's hard to realize that they are no longer active and I won't see them again 😔 I miss them, specially Miku, he gave me something to look up for every day and since they disbanded, Miku disappeared from social media.
This month is good to remember the things that made us smile once, sometimes nostalgia hurts more than sadness but it's a good feeling, I guess.
I don't have the age for longing things I will never have or be like I used to when I was 22yo. Thankfully I grew up and got over some things that made me miserable, like wishing to wake up in someone else's body. When you hate yourself this is something you daydream about often, at least, I did. I still struggle with accepting myself and my relationship with myself is still broken but I know what I want for me, what I need to do and why... I won't be that person that will tell herself that she's wonderful and love to be her in front of the mirror... never... But at least, I don't want to be someone else anymore.
This entry ended up a little sad. Sorry.
Anyway, it's finally September which means the last beautiful 3 months are coming. I live this season and I really hope this will be great months!! I'm afraid to get too excited bc sometimes shit happens and I'm not in a mental place to feel disappointed but I will cross fingers 😊
No gif or image today bc I'm writing through the cell phone 

#2 - Grey is... Manga

This year I haven't read too much manga, I think I am stuck with the same on going titles like Kuroshitsuji (the manga is doing amazing lately), I am a Hero and My Hero Academia. But I also found a non-japanese manga that I dare to say is the only work by a foreign author that I have enjoyed. I want to talk a little about it.

This manga is Grey is... by dee juusan, the story is about the friendship of two broken friends who help each other to deal with their past and ghosts. Sometimes it gets corny but the story telling is really well done in the last chapters.
The atmosphere of loneliness and longingness for a better life is nicely portrayed, and I really like the contrast between the characters.

We have White(black hair) who is the mind-centered guy, the one who looks like he has everything figured out when he really has not. But he is the one with the cold head and the person who always has a good advice.
Then, there's Black (White hair) who's childish and impulsive. He refuses to grow up and is usually in troubles. From the very begining is stated that he was abused when he was young, I think the story starts with Black wanting to jump from a building and White stopping him.
This event becomes important for them and they celebrate it every year. This is something I find really cute.
I won't tell details and what happens in the story, if someone happen to find this and wants to read it, I don't want to spoil it.
Friendship is the main theme in this manga, but signs of depression and self harm is explicity shown in this. I must confess that I wasn't expecting to be affect by any of this, somehow... when I read this, something in me got triggered...
In the first post I mentioned that I started to self harm again, well, this was the moment I did.

I don't know if this manga caused it or I was already in a unhealty mindset that reading this awaked the impulse to do it. thankfully I was in vacation and I didn't have to deal with this at the office.
There was a day when I didn't sleep at all and cried all night thinking the worst about me. This will sound pathetic but it was so long since I felt this way and I'm confused....I felt kind of proud when I saw the wounds in my arms... I liked how they look and to have a secret no one imagine.
and Suddenly I feel stupid for having this thoughts. At least, I don't feel this way anymore, but I want to keep reading this manga but I'm kind of scared to trigger this mindset again. Probably it was not the manga's fault but my own and I will be safe next time.

Anyway, the art is beautiful and althought the first chapters are not that great drawn, some details in the story were hard to catch, like sometimes it was hard for me to follow the conversations, they were talking about people not introduced in the story yet or past situations that are explained later but as the story goes on, the pages start to get more professional looking and the feelings are so sharp in every page, everything begins to make sense. I have mixed feelings for Black, I would like to identify with him (my thing with white hair characters) and my liking to characters that struggle and suffer but White is more relatable to me. White may look plain but he's probably the most complexed character since we are usually tell Black's side of the story but White's has holes that are a mistery even for the characters in it. I really want to know more about him.

Well, if anyone is interested in this, you can find it in the link below:
Grey is manga

You can also find short stories in this: Grey is in Webtoons

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Changing the topic, I start going to walk/run with some friends after work and damn.... my legs hurts so bad right now. I didn't even run but this pain is a bitch. I really wish to get to the moment I'm able to jog or run.